those flashing lights
by shadows and sunshine
Summary: Blair knows she really shouldn’t be doing this. It’s irresponsible, foolish, and not to mention slightly repulsive But she's doing it anyway.' Four times Blair was in Serena's shadow, and one time she wasn't. -oneshot-


those flashing lights

_Four times Blair was in Serena's shadow, and one time she wasn't. _

I

It's the night of Blair's thirteenth birthday, and everything is perfect, of course—down to her perfectly manicured red nails and the ruffles on her Valentino dress—and she sits nervously beside Serena, cracking her knuckles as she waits for her guests to arrive.

She envisions the party, as she always does: all of the people on her exclusive guest list will come through the door, each one bearing an item on the list that she attached to each invitation. Nate will kiss her on the cheek and hand her a red-wrapped Tiffany's box, inside of which will be a diamond necklace. Not just a diamond necklace—_the _diamond necklace.

But, like all things in which Serena is involved, it doesn't go according to plan.

As soon as the first guests walk through the door (Kati and Is, prompt as always and wearing matching outfits) all anyone can do is gawk at Serena. Serena, who, in a simple black sweater dress, somehow looks more effortlessly beautiful than Blair could ever hope to be.

As the crowd around Serena forms, a blush graces her perfect cheeks. She waves Blair over, but she turns away, giving the excuse of needing to use the bathroom, and she locks herself inside.

Somehow, later, Blair finds herself doubled over, her finger down her throat, and the remains of the shrimp cocktail floating in the toilet below her.

II

Blair arrives at the building and makes her way up to the roof where the shooting would begin. With each step, she felt her excitement grow. For once, the cameras are pointed her way, and there is no Serena to step in the way and blur her out of the picture.

It's funny how her life can change drastically within a split second.

In this particular life-changing moment, Blair steps onto the roof, turns around, and sees Serena, prancing around in front of her camera, wearing an original Eleanor Waldorf design.

Without a word, she turns around and heads back downstairs, blinking back tears. For once, she's not angry at her mother (but how could she do that to her?), or at Serena (how could _she _do that to her?), she's just sad.

So after an explosive fight with her best friend and getting a patronizing talk by Cabbage Patch Dan Humphrey, Blair goes to her room, sits down on her bed, and just cries.

III

Somehow, that gentle kiss Nate laid on Blair's lips has turned to gasps, heated embraces, and furious grabbing of clothes.

Locked together in a furious embrace, they topple backwards onto her bed, and suddenly, Blair's dress is cast aside on the floor beside Nate's shirt and jeans.

Even in this moment—this first-time moment that's supposed to be perfect and that is everything she's been waiting for—her stomach begins to ache. Because even though she loves Nate, this passionate moment is somehow interrupted by the seemingly ever-present thoughts of Serena, and she can't help picture the leggy blonde in the same furious embrace with the same golden-haired boy whose hands are now exploring her body.

And then she pulls away from him, away from this moment of supposed perfection, because she knows she'll never be able to get over the fact that Serena has done this first.

IV

This is the day she has been waiting for, and so far, nothing seems to be going right for Blair.

For starters, she is in the middle of a major fight with her best friend. Never a good thing. Second, she is nervous beyond belief, because even though she's prepared countless hours for this, if she isn't perfect for the next few minutes, all her hopes and dreams are shot.

And third, because she's sitting in a ceramic-cat covered office, listening to Serena and Dean Berube laugh it up in the room next door.

And as Serena exits the room, still chuckling to herself as she bids farewell to the Dean, even though Blair smiles wickedly at her former best friend, inside, her stomach is wrenched with pain.

The Dean calls her in, and even before her interview turns into a train wreck, she knows that she's not as charming or beautiful as Serena is, and that after the charismatic, model-perfect blonde, she has no chance.

And after the embarrassment of her interview, as she exits the room seconds away from tears, Blair can glimpse with perfect vision her dreams of Yale flying straight out the window.

V

Blair knows she really shouldn't be doing this. It's irresponsible, foolish, and not to mention slightly repulsive.

She's usually more careful than this. Usually she doesn't make the same mistake twice, and certainly not such a horrible one. But she doesn't stop what's going on. In fact, she smiles and welcomes this mistake with opened arms.

Once again, clothes are on the floor and bodies come together on the bed. _Stupid, stupid, stupid, _she thinks, but with a strange sort of contentment.

And as Blair presses her lips to those of Chuck Bass, the same sense of satisfaction overcomes her, because she knows this is one thing Serena has definitely never done.

xxx

Well, that was fun. I hope I got the tone—angsty but witty and reflective—right. I think I did. Blair is, without a doubt, the most complex character on the show and I really enjoy writing about her. This was my first oneshot, so I hope I did okay. Please review, I'd really like feedback. By the way, the title is from Lady GaGa's song "Paparazzi."

Review!


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